IE | The Silence of Adolescent Boys and its Costs

by Natasha Joshi & Luis Miranda 

Vulnerability in adolescent boys is not a subject that is often discussed, but one that has huge societal consequences – for both young men and women. One of us, Natasha, leads the gender portfolio at Rohini Nilekani Philanthropies (RNP), and repeatedly found that boys are conditioned from a young age to keep their mouths shut when it comes to feelings. A group of researchers commissioned by RNP spoke with more than 80 Indian young males – aged between 18 and 24 and belonging to different social classes – about what their lives were like. Expectedly, a lot was said about the need to earn and provide for the family. But as the conversations progressed, a nuanced image of adolescent boyhood appeared – one with many unspoken challenges.

Childhood was universally described as a cherished phase, a time when boys can cry, be afraid, and be “free”. But adolescence is a remarkable shift. Having a group of friends is survival for boys, yet sizing up and teasing was reported as the most unpleasant part of being in a group. Adolescent boys get picked on for their looks, their genitals, the pitch of their voice, or their physical prowess. Yet, they can’t complain as that makes one an even bigger target. When these early lessons teach boys that expressing distress or asking for help is bad, it’s no surprise that we end up in a society where men see seeking help as a sign of weakness.

The other emotional upheaval adolescent boys never talk about is breakups. The rising instances of revenge porn – where jilted (male) lovers publicly release intimate or morphed pictures of their exes – is an example of how hurt, shame, hormones and social norms are combining to produce novel anti-social behaviours in males like sextortion, doxxing, trolling and much more.

CBSE’s cyber safety manual tackles the complicated subject of revenge porn tersely, with ONLY a parting shot, “youngsters must learn to cope with rejection as it is a part of life but not the end of the world”. This is hardly adequate as it takes no cognisance of the fact that teenagers are wired to seek the approval of their peers, and telling one person to regulate themselves is not the solution; group norms need to be looked at.

Luis has observed, as a mentor at Take Charge, a programme, he co-founded to mentor Catholic youth in Mumbai, that group discussions focus on skills or mindsets, but they never go into sexuality or relationships. His wife, Dr Fiona Dias Miranda, who has been working for over 20 years with adolescents on human sexual development, agrees by saying that schools educate young males about the physiological changes taking place in their bodies, but conversations on sexuality, safe sex, consent, respect, and the emotional aspect of relationships are never addressed.

Luis too learned this the hard way. Around 55 years ago, in Madras, a butler working for a family took hold of the family’s only son, undressed and lay on top of the child. The boy never told anyone at the time, and even years later, except confiding in his wife. That is until a friend asked him if he would do a piece with her on the lives of adolescent boys and men in India, and Luis decided it was time. It hit him that he also was a victim of abuse, and while he has never felt like a victim, he’s kept quiet about this for years. Working on this piece prompted Luis to talk about this topic with one of the young men he has known for many years, but only now discussed sexual abuse with. Hours later, Luis received a message from the young man at 2 am saying he might have something to share too.

This lack of societal understanding of young men’s adolescent vulnerability is getting amplified by growing macroeconomic trends such as lack of high-school education resulting in a workforce that increasingly lacks emotional, social and academic literacy. According to a 2024 NITI Aayog report, there are more girls in secondary school than boys. The pressure to earn, along with the rise in gig work, is pushing adolescent boys to drop out and enter employment early. Once there, they face heightened risks of violence, substance abuse, and crime. Ultimately, it is society that bears the cost of leaving thousands of men, undereducated and emotionally repressed.

The central question to ask: If adolescent boys need help, can we imagine public initiatives that support their unique needs? Can we, as Richard Reeves says, stop seeing “the problem of boys as the problem with boys”?

First Published In The Indian Express